February 1, 2026
How to Advocate for Your Health
Sometimes, it’s simply unexplainable how topics come together. Another topic was selected for this month’s post, yet at the last minute, we decided to change it to health care advocacy.
After both Karens read it, Short Karen spoke about her “Discovery Night Group” who had met the night before. One of their topics that organically entered the conversation was “women don’t talk about how to be your own advocate.” That was synchronicity #1.
Synchronicity #2 was watching The Pitt (tv show on HBOMax) and seeing the last scene where a young woman presents to the ER with swelling in her leg exceeding the Sharpie line.
So, we’ve agreed that someone out there needs to read this information! This post is for you.
* * * * *
Did you know that it has been just thirty-three years since the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) mandated the inclusion of women in government-funded health studies? This pivotal change also requires that data be analyzed to reflect gender differences in both efficacy and outcomes. It’s heartening to see such progress, but we still have a way to go!
Women’s healthcare has seen improvements, yet remnants of outdated cultural beliefs, like the notion that “women are too hormonal,” can still undermine our health journeys. These misconceptions affect various aspects of healthcare, contributing to delays in diagnosing conditions like endometriosis and impacting how pain, mental health, and cardiovascular issues are managed.
Additionally, ageism is another hurdle that many women face when seeking appropriate medical care. Symptoms related to pain, disability, headaches, and heart disease are often brushed aside with comments like, “You’re getting older; you just have to live with it.” We know this isn’t true!
Here are some strategies to help empower you on your health journey that have worked for me in advocating for myself within the medical community. I hope you find them as helpful as I have! (Be prepared for TMI!)
**Document Your Symptoms:** Start by using a calendar or a journal to track your symptoms over time. Be descriptive and include any relevant measurements. Providing data to your healthcare providers can significantly enhance their responsiveness, as many are more inclined to act on concrete numbers than on narrative descriptions. That’s a nice way of saying they respond to DATA.
**Example 1:** When I first entered perimenopause, I noticed extremely heavy menstrual flows that lasted twenty-eight out of thirty days! To illustrate this to my doctor, I meticulously recorded everything on a daily calendar—from the number of tampons I used to details about any clotting, pain, or nausea. When I shared this clear data with my physician, he exclaimed, “Oh, I wish everyone would do this!” As a result, I was able to receive a swift diagnosis and start appropriate treatment.
**Example 2:** Following the death of my husband, I began experiencing a prolonged cardiac arrhythmia. Unfortunately, two cardiologists misdiagnosed me, attributing it to my age alone. Determined to advocate for myself, I bought an Apple Watch to monitor when these episodes occurred. While it's important to remember that the EKG from the watch isn’t definitive, it does provide useful information about the frequency, elevated heart rate, and duration of my episodes. Armed with months of data, I approached a new cardiologist who was then able to properly diagnose and treat my heart issue in just weeks.
**A Sharpie Can Be Your Best Friend:** Something strange showing up on your body? Circle it with a Sharpie and write the date on it. A Sharpie is the best way to mark bruising or swelling/inflammation. If you develop a bruise after an injury, circle the initial bruise. If the bruising continues and expands, circle each new edge of bruising and write the date/time next to it. The Sharpie works just as well on swelling that keeps increasing. Literally, in some cases those Sharpie marks can save your life or limb. Again, the Sharpie marks are visual data which beat a verbal narrative every time. (Watch Season 2, Episode 3 of The Pitt to see the Sharpie line in action. Yes, it’s a dramatization yet it dramatizes a real life situation.)
**Example 3:** I recently managed to “pop” a femoral hernia. I don’t know how, but that thing just showed up one day. Prior to my visit with the surgeon, I circled the hernia with the Sharpie. He saw it immediately and scheduled surgery. I even circled the hernia the day of my surgery. It was one more way to make sure the surgery occurred on the correct side of my body.
**Take Notes and Ask Questions:** Don't shy away from asking questions during your appointments! You are your own best advocate - use your voice!Discuss all treatment options and, and remember: you aren’t obligated to accept the first suggestions. It is crucial to inquire about potential side effects alongside the risks and benefits of each option. Knowledge is power!
**Bring a Friend for Support:** Consider taking someone with you to your appointments. Having a companion can help you take notes and ask questions that might slip your mind in the moment. Personally, due to my hearing impairment, it was incredibly helpful to have my sister join me at appointments where I struggled to understand my new cardiologist’s accent—she helped bridge that gap!
**Seek a Second Opinion If You Need One:** Never hesitate to ask for a second opinion if something doesn’t feel quite right. Your health is your priority, and seeking additional perspectives is an important step toward ensuring you get the best possible care.
In every step of your healthcare journey, remember that you deserve to be heard and understood. Let’s move forward together, advocating for our own health and the health of other women. We have the power to make a positive change!
-Rebecca
January 10, 2026
We’re Not Alone
The Three Widows started 2026 on a high note. Rebecca presented our first speaking engagement of the new year. The topic was “Finding Love the 2nd Time: Conversations About Widowhood.” What truly stood out was the extraordinary way the audience connected and uplifted one another. They shared valuable information, and one story resonated with laughter, acknowledgement, and absolute truth.
To set the scene, one woman asked how to find a legitimate partner who wasn’t out to scam a widow. At this point, another woman shared her friend’s experience.
The friend was standing in line at the bank. A man was in the line behind her.
Man: “You’re pretty attractive. I think I could date you. Do you want to go out for dinner tomorrow?
Friend: turning around, “What’s your FICO score?”
Man: stammering, “I don’t know.”
Friend: “If you don’t know your FICO score, I won’t be wasting any of my time with you.”
Howls of laughter followed. What a brilliant response! Not only did she vet the man as a potential date, but she also left no doubt there would be no further interaction.
A second idea for vetting a potential date was to ask about his (or her) political beliefs. Are those beliefs compatible with your own?
Other suggestions included joining groups at the library or church, volunteering, and taking classes through Adult Learning Institutes.
The stories and suggestions shared by the women highlight that when we come together, we’re not alone in our journeys. We can grow together through our shared experiences. The warmth and support among the members of this group were simply remarkable!
If you or a friend has created a successful date qualifier, we’d love to hear about it. Let us know if we can share it.
Remember, simply by showing up, your presence can help another widow feel less alone.
December 4, 2025
Six Tips to Support a Widowed Friend Over the Holidays
Holidays can be particularly challenging for someone who has lost a spouse. This time of year often brings back memories of shared celebrations and may stir sorrow. The widowed may feel lonely or simply less inclined to join festive activities. It’s completely understandable if they hesitate to join your family for a holiday dinner. Here are six thoughtful ways you can help your widowed friend or family member face the holiday season.
Please note: These suggestions apply to widowers as wnd widows alike.
Offer to Help with Decorations: Consider reaching out to offer your assistance in decorating her home. Whether it’s stringing lights around the porch or trimming a tree together, this shared activity can bring a little joy amidst the sadness. Or, at the end of the season, she might appreciate some help taking down all the decorations.
Invite Her to Bake: If baking brings her comfort, invite her to join you in creating seasonal treats. This can be a lovely way to bond, and you might brighten her day by sharing a few goodies to take home.
Gift Holiday Treats: Preparing the usual holiday meals can be overwhelming, and she may lack the motivation or energy to do it alone. A thoughtful gift of homemade treats like Chex Mix can be a lovely surprise that brings a smile and a touch of warmth.
Send a Card: In a world full of emails, a handwritten card or letter can be a heartfelt gesture. Something she can hold, read, and cherish can really brighten her spirits and remind her she is not alone.
Extend an Invitation: A simple invitation to join you for a holiday activity can mean so much. Local events, caroling, concerts, or even a drive to see holiday lights can provide a few joyful moments, helping to lift her spirits during a challenging time.
Host Her for a Seasonal Treat: Serving a special holiday drink or snack can be a comfortable way to share warmth and companionship. Whether it’s hot chocolate topped with peppermint and whipped cream, glüwein, or a unique cake can create moments of relaxation.
These suggestions can help you make the holiday season just a little brighter for your widowed friend or family member. Your thoughtfulness can demonstrate that even in tough times, they are still cared for and remembered.
The “How to Help a Widow Checklist” found at threewidows.com/checklists provides more suggestions for year-round support.
November 10, 2025
What’s a Widow to Do? The Message of the Hawk
by Rebecca
In Part 1, Short Karen shared her concerns as a widow preparing for orthopedic surgery alone. Part 2 presented a reader’s story that offers a way to approach the transition from hospital to home. Today, we conclude this series with a personal issue for women, a deeply meaningful statement, and the striking symbolism of a hawk encounter.
*****
In my quest for answers on how to manage health challenges as a widow, I engaged with discussions with others during a monthly coffee club. A recurring theme emerged: the fear of being a burden. Many widows facing health issues share this fear and hesitate to ask for assistance with rides, waiting during surgeries, or pickup medications, often influenced by their upbringing as women. There was a tone of hesitation among the group - almost dismissive - around asking for help. Yet, as women (and widows), we need to reframe our view of this action. recognizing that asking for help is an act of love. A profound statement popped through the conversation: “When you refuse to ask for help, you are denying someone else their blessing.” By not asking for help, we may deny others the chance to demonstrate their love and kindness.
One day, during a quiet drive down the interstate with my sister, I confided my own struggles with accepting help, fearing I would be a burden. My sister had accompanied me to three outpatient surgeries in just six months. She reminded me that her helping others is her way of giving back to the people she cares about. She encouraged me to change my mindset regarding asking for help.
As she spoke, I noticed a large hawk launching from the woods. I watched as its yellow beak and black eye grew larger on its inevitable path toward my car. I understood the hawk is a powerful symbol — the messenger that urges one to pay attention. I felt intense anxiety about “hitting the messenger,” a thought that echoed in my mind repeatedly in those brief seconds. Sure enough, the hawk collided with the windshield, bounced off, and flew back into the woods, After several shrieks of “I hit a hawk!” I grasped the message. The hawk’s presence was a clear reminder to approach the act of asking for help with an open heart and mind —delivering its clear message of compassion, connection and love.
So, what should a widow do when she needs help? Ask for it, whether the assistance involves tangible services or problem-solving. There are people who care about us and want to help. Let them have their blessing.
Short Karen three weeks after her knee replacement.
October 3, 2025
What’s a Widow to do? - Part 2
Last month, Short Karen shared her perspective as a widow navigating her healthcare needs. We left September with a request to hear from you, our readers, about suggestions/solutions for care during an illness or surgical recovery.
Our first response comes from a widow whose situation is very similar to Short Karen’s.
Our second response is from someone who found a way to get the care she needed.
*****
“Wow. I have been thinking about this as well. I am childless. My sister and niece live in another state. I have in-laws, but they are not terribly reliable. I a a bit younger than some folks, but I have severe scoliosis of the spine. I just got over a terrible cold and sinus infection. No one from my church contacted me. They never do. I am pretty much alone after the death of my husband nearly 4 years ago. At least he was a source of comfort when deciding whether I needed to see a doctor. I am in sort-of-okay health so far, but my sister is frightened that I am so alone. All your points are so apt. I should have surgery on my left hand, but I can’t be without it while it heals. It is much different for those who are alone. It is something I think about.”
*****
“I have faced similar issues. Although I have family, they did not live in Frederick, so I relied on friends and neighbors to help with the most essential aspects of immediate care: transportation to and from surgery, and a few groceries.”
When I had foot surgery and was unable to navigate the 20 steps to my bedroom, I rented space at a nearby retirement community for about 5 days until I could manage on my own. I had 24-hour care for the first 48 hours, then did reduced care after that. The unit I stayed in was a one-bedroom apartment; meals were delivered for an additional charge.”
“I found it a fantastic bridge service, and was very pleased with the service and care. By the time I left, I was ready to handle self-care. I also knew the neighbors were available to pitch in during an emergency. There wasn’t, but knowing they were there was a real comfort. They did a fabulous job of volunteering to pick up extras at the grocery, or checking in to how things were going.”
“Since the surgery was on my right foot, there were at least 6 weeks when I couldn’t drive. As much as possible, I rotated volunteers to take me to church and appointments.”
*****
The possibility of renting a caregiving space never crossed our minds! Now we know it can be a viable option.
September 2, 2025
What’s a Widow to do?
2025 has been an interesting year for the Three Widows and their health. Collectively, we’ve experienced “walking pneumonia”, a bleeding ulcer, a broken foot, and the need for a knee replacement. Add to that a surprising and unexpected cardiac problem and a hernia repair.
Short Karen shares her perspective as a widow navigating her health care needs.
*****
Dealing with health issues as a widow has been a challenging and exhausting experience for me. I generally enjoy good health, though I do have some troublesome skeletal problems. However, when my health is tested, the realities of being widowed, childless, and living alone become particularly difficult, especially since my family lives five or more hours away. While many of the struggles I face are similar to those experienced by anyone who lives alone, the transition has been hard for those of us who shared decades of life with a spouse.
As the eldest among the Three Widows, I see the world through circumstances unlike those of my peers. When something feels off, health-wise, I no longer have my husband to discuss it with, and my imagination runs wild. I might turn to WebMD or consult an online health advisor, but it doesn’t compare to having his logical support and straightforward caregiving.
If I pull a muscle or break a bone, accessing my phone, which may be in another room, or unlocking the door for someone to help can be quite difficult. Even something as simple as getting to the kitchen to retrieve an ice pack for a pulled muscle can become a painful ordeal.
Asking someone to take me to an urgent care center or requesting help can be embarrassing. I worry about whether my situation is serious enough to warrant assistance. The urgent care process can be lengthy, and I feel guilty about making someone wait for me. Calling for a ride home on short notice adds to my discomfort, and while I could use Uber, Lyft, or a taxi, I am uneasy about relying on strangers.
Tall Karen suggested I consider how I would feel if the roles were reversed and a friend needed help. She encouraged me not to let my desire for independence prevent me from accepting help when it’s offered. However, that’s where my discomfort lies. While many people are willing to help, I often feel my need may be an inconvenience to them. Karen also pointed out that my willingness to ask for help might encourage others to do the same when they need it.
Surgery presents its own challenges. Aside from arranging transportation in both directions, I might need recovery support. Options like staying at a friend’s home or having someone stay with me depend on their work schedules and pet responsibilities. If I had a per, caring for it would add another layer of complexity.
I decided to pay for my cousin and a friend to fly here and arranged for their airport transportation. Although hiring a home healthcare service may cost about the same, I’m uneasy about having strangers in my home while I’m resting.
These alternative may be financially challenging for other widows and highlight the complexities of managing healthcare as a widow or someone living alone.
I wish I had more suggestions to offer, but I don’t. I would love to hear your thoughts and solutions. Please send your comments and ideas to info@threewidows.com and we’ll share your solutions in our next issue.
August 10, 2025
You’re Never Too Young To Prepare
-by Tall Karen -
My daughter, who is in her 30s asked me to speak with her friends about a topic that is very important to me: preparing and organizing essential documents and having crucial “what if” conversations with loved ones. She was only 22 when her father died and lived with me for the year after her college graduation. During that time, she witnessed my anxiety about our financial situation alongside my grief. She and her friends often engage in these significant discussions - in fact, my other daughter even held a tax seminar for a group last year to share knowledge and learn from one another.
A lively group of six gathered, each bringing a unique mix of financial knowledge, relationship status, and concerns. Everyone showed genuine interest in our workbook, “I Didn’t See that Coming!” both for their own understanding and to help their parents. They asked thoughtful questions about budgeting, especially from a recent graduate doctor managing student loans. Other questions included:
the importance and reasons behind life insurance;
how to set up a trust, considering tax implications and property transfer, often for thier parents’ estate planning;
issues faced by unmarried parnters owning joing property and what happens if one passes away unexpectedly;
and ways to protect themselves financially if they’re in a relationship that might not last, especially when funds are shared.
We had a great conversation, and I was delighted to learn that my daughters not only absorbed valuable lessons from my experiences following Sam’s death but are also sharing that knowledge with their friends to help and support them. The earlier you start asking questions and learning about this topic, the better off you and your loved ones will be.
*****
The “I didn’t See That Coming!” workbook is a helpful tool for organizing your important legal, financial, insurance, and other paperwork and information. You can easily purchase if from our website or Amazon. We also love sharing knowledge through presentations and workshop on this topic, so feel free to reach our and arrange a time that works for you!
July 7, 2025
What is an Intentional Friend?
Intentional friendship focuses on building meaningful and purposeful connections. Whether it’s supporting each other’s personal growth or simply enjoying time together, these friendships are nurtured with care and thoughtfulness.
When it comes to supporting a widow being an intentional friend means being present for her, eve if she appears to be managing well on her own. It’s crucial to acknowledge her struggles and offer a listening ear. As a caring friend, you can take small, thoughtful actions to assist her in healing — and you may find healing for yourself in the process. Rather than trying to “fix” everything, concentrate on helping her navigate her new path. Be considerate in your support and encourage her as she faces the challenges ahead. Your friendship can make a significant difference!
For more examples of intentional friendship, refer to out book, “Widows Among Us: Stories and Insights”, Par 4 -”how to help a Widow”, pages 159-169.
June 4, 2025
We have the best audiences! Participants’ questions help us dig deeper and clarify information. Here are some of the questions we’ve received.
Are people with grief-induced brain fog susceptible to scams? (See the May 2025 blog post for answers,)
What is an Intentional Friend. Ooh, great question. We’ll share our understanding of an Intentional Friend in the July blog post.
How do you pic up the pieces and move forward? This question was a creative spark for us. While we described in our book how each of us picked up the pieces we decided to go “all out” and build the answer using our metaphor for widowhood and grief - the kintsugi pot. We can’t wait to share it with you in future newsletters and presentations.
What questions do you have for us? Because answering YOUR questions helps us help others. Drop your question on our Contact Us page.
May, 2025
Grief-Induced Brain Fog and Susceptibility to Scams
Brain fog is a temporary, yet powerful stress response that disrupts concentration, memory retention, and mental clarity due to grief-related stressors. These stressors also increase cortisol levels, further affecting cognitive function and causing fatigue and fogginess. Additionally, sleep disturbances associated with grief further complicate these cognitive challenges.
During a recent presentation, I shared my experience with brain fog after my husband’s death. A year after his passing, I received an unexpected tax bill of $12,000. If my accountant told me how to prevent this situation, I completely forgot the details by the time I left his office. This costly surprise underscored the value of having “a second set of ears” during important meetings — such as meetings with my accountant.
A second set of ears means bringing someone with you to take notes on the questions and answers discussed. This person can also remind you to ask any question you might have overlooked.
During this presentation, a gentleman asked if people experiencing brain fog are more vulnerable to scams. This question has never been raised in our presentations before!
I answered honestly that my phone alerts me to potential scams, and I avoid answering calls from unfamiliar numbers. What about those strange emails? Click on the sender’s email address to see if it really is anyone you know. Don’t know the sender or the address is “wonky?” Delete the email immediately without opening it. We also recommend that before making any decisions, individuals discuss the opic with a trusted frined or family member for a second opinion.
A later search about scams led me to a scale by James, Boyle, and Bennett (2014) that could help widowed individuals. The scale prompts users to consider, “How likely am I to say ‘yes’ to these statements?”
I answer the phone whenever it rings, even if I do not know who is calling.
I have difficulty ending a phone call, even if the caller is a telemarketer, someone I do not know, or someone I did not wish to call me.
If a telemarketer call me, I usually listen to what they have to say.
If the answer to any of these statement is “yes,” it may be wise for the grieving person experiencing brain fog to see support from a trusted friend or family member. This can help shied them from potential scams until their stress hormones return to balanced levels and brain fog diminishes.
-Rebecca-
Need a notebook for your second set of ears? We have a notebook for that very purpose available in the web store.
January 9, 2025!
We are thrilled to announce that our book has finally been published after nearly two years of dedicated writing and passion.
The journey began during a snowy retreat in Sedona, when we found ourselves cozied up on the porch of our rental home, blankets around us, and the warmth of a crackling fireplace radiating comfort. The stunning red rock mountains rose before us. (There may have been wine.)
As we connected over our experiences as widows, we excavated the challenges we faced - conversations that many people shy away from.
That’s when we decided to write a book (again, wine may have been involved). Our mission is to bring widowhood into the open, showing that it’s possible to cherish our past loves while wholeheartedly stepping into our unexpected future.